[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
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Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.