UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
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You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again