If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
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Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.