Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
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I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Your honor these allegations are
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.