Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
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Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I love twitter
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty