I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
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Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one鈥檚 a porn star.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein鈥檚 Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov鈥檚 Dog: I know, right? They just couldn鈥檛 be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schr枚dinger鈥檚 Cat: There might be.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
HER: i鈥檓 leaving you
HIM: is it because we can鈥檛 have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn鈥檛 have anywhere nice to sit.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 馃檪
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 馃憤馃ぃ鉂わ笍
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.