My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching