People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
You Might Also Like
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Life cycle of cat
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
S M O L
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow