BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
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Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.