I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
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Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.