Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
You Might Also Like
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
what?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
The fall of Netflix
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.