“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
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me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I had to Stop for this
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*