Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
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If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Put a ring on it
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.