If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
You Might Also Like
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Lmao
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”