Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
You Might Also Like
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
“You’d better run, egg!”
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons