I’m not wrong
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When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
jesus christ confetti not now
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN