Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
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Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Just say no
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS