Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
What the dentist sees
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough