looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
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Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Me My dog
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.