People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
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Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.