[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
*watches the world burn*
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.