Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
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Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Support your local cemetery
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Jogging
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.