<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
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Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.