If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.