Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
screw you
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible