A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.