At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers