The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
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[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
😎 🍻
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Namaste