*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
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So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
gm
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
what’s really going on
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
waiting for halloween be like: