[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
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Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.