Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
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Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.