*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
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*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Actually cracking up @ this
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”