I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
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If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
shit just got real
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.