Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
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Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
watergate? u mean a dam??
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.