My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
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Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies