I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
You Might Also Like
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24