“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!