In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
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When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong