“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
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( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
FRED: right
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.