I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
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Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.