The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
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Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Worth remembering.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
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.
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It’s Dublin.