People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
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you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Carpe DM
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?