Alexa: *deep breath*
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I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter