JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
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My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message