is this meant to deter me
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Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season