Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
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Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me: