[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
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i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*