It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig