sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
You Might Also Like
The Weeknd is back
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
There’s only one good girl here!
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.