A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
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Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I ate everything, including the H.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Happy Halloween 🎃
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.